5 weeks today, again…

Well….. we’re on an amazing and crazy adventure. Again.

My dear husband and I found out a few days ago that we were going to be welcoming another precious baby into family. My official due date is July 22, 2012, but, I’m anticipating this little tyke will decide to be fashionably late like his or her big brother.

Our oldest is only 11 months old. So, our kids will be just under 20 months apart. I know that this might freak a lot of people out. Even though we’re still not sure what to expect with two kids so close in age, we feel so excited, blessed, and blown away by this precious gift.

Prayer: Lord, may our lives bring honor and glory to you! May YOU alone be glorified and may you protect and grow well this precious little life within me. Soli deo Gloria...

difficulties...

I had a really rough, overwhelming mom day yesterday. It made me question if I was cut out for this stuff and if I was a failure….. it wasn’t because my son was being difficult. In fact, he was so great yesterday!! It had a lot more to do with the fact that instead of snuggling with him after I’d nursed him to sleep yesterday afternoon like I really wanted to do (and the cold, rainy weather outside was beckoning me to do), I needed to work on research for a grad paper so I had to put him back in his crib to finish his nap there. But, he instantly woke up and started crying/screaming….. I knew that he was sleepy and that he needed to sleep but it was just hard for him to go back to that dreamy state when he wasn’t all warm and snuggly with his momma’s arms and body with his food-source within easy reach. I kept him in his crib in the hopes that he’d succumb to his need for sleep…. I still wasn’t able to work on my homework during that time because instead of just reminding myself that he’d be ok and sleep eventually (following the advice of my pediatrician on our most recent visit that he’d be ok in his crib and that he actually needed to nap, even if he was fighting it), I kept vigil outside his door, even crying myself at a few points.

That experience got me thinking….. and, when I’m thinking, I really need to starting blogging. (Side note – I actually have MANY more posts that I haven’t actually posted yet because I’m just not sure I want to be that vulnerable – though, I’m sure it’s fine to be that vulnerable considering I haven’t shared this blog with anyone except for my husband…. And, I’m not sure he even knows the url for it --- so, it’s essentially just a secret online journal… but, I digress…)

One of the things that’s been most difficult in this life transition for me has been the overwhelming feeling that I’m not really doing anything well.

I’m a mommy but I’m also a graduate student. The pressures of assignments makes me feel like my precious son would be getting more “quality” time from me if I was working full time instead of being a stay at home mom and graduate student…. Yeah, that’s right. I at least wonder if it’s true…

If I was working full-time, most of the time I’d be able to “leave my job” at the office when it was time to come home and be able to devote my attention completely on my son, at least until it was his bedtime. He’d be getting the care he needed during the day while I was away, then when I was back home we could have tons of fun together and I wouldn’t have to be worrying about assignments that weren’t getting done.

But, I know that I’m a good mom. At least…. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m a good mom. I need to start seeing myself as my son sees me: beautiful, snuggly, and the best thing a little boy could ever hope for to calm his rumbling tummy after a full night of sleep. I’m also the most hilarious mommy in the world! --- And, more than that, I need to see myself as my heavenly father sees me: beautiful, beloved, intelligent and gifted, blessed with a husband who loves the Lord and who loves me, and entrusted with the special gift of my son.

My prayer for today: Jesus, help! I can’t…. but, I know that you can. Help me to rely on YOU for everything. Help me to focus on the things that are before me and to not get so overwhelmed that I miss the joy in the moment.

first day of school

My son was a rock star last night and slept solidly from about 9:00 pm until 7:00 am! I wonder if he knew his momma starts her semester today?!

I’m so glad that I decided to only do 2 classes this semester with my baby. I thought initially that I wanted to do 2 classes plus practicum (which I’ve heard is the equivalent of two classes), but I decided (through the encouragement and supporting of my husband, family, and my CFO prayer group), that I wasn’t actually a slacker for only taking two classes.

Prayer: Lord, may I glorify you in all that I say, think, and do!

Hiding the bad stuff...

Public displays of health vs. Gluttony

Soooo…. If you had to post on facebook or show people pictures of what you ate each day would it change the way you eat? For me it surely would. And, for somebody struggling with an eating disorder for whom it’s hard to eat in front of people for fear of being judged, some may lead more towards bulimia than anorexia within the spectrum.

I started thinking about all of this because of my post on facebook yesterday of my tasty lunch.

I shared the photo of my tasty and also very healthy lunch. However I didn’ feel like sharing about the 3 mini reeces peanut butte eggs, whoper eggs, or mini kit kat of leftover Easter candy that I ate in the afternoon. Why is that?! It’s probably because I’m embarrassed by such a show of gluttony! It’s not that I believe in deprivation or that I think I shouldn’t be allowed to have any chocolate. It’s because what I was eating didn’t fit along with my schema of health or of balance. It’s not that I “shouldn’t be allowed” to have any candy; rather, it’s that the candy I was eating was too much and too unhealthy for me, especially considering my current goals of getting back into shape post-baby.

Blogging

I’ve been feeling like it’s time to start journaling or blogging much more consistently and I think I need to just start! There’s never going to be a perfect time and there’s always going to be something that I can (and even should?!) be doing instead of taking the time to express what’s within. However, I believe passionately in the therapeutic benefits of self-reflection so I’m going to be intentional about blogging.

Growing Love...

Before I got married I remember a few people telling me that my love for my husband would continue to grow. I thought that was kind of a silly thing for people to say because obviously I knew that I was in love with this man and that is why I was going to marry him. I couldn't imagine the concept of loving him more than I already did...... but, you know what?! All of those people were right!

The love that I have for my husband is far greater and deeper than it was when we first said, "I do...." 4 years ago. And, for those of you who think I might be living with my head in the clouds, I need to tell you why I will say our love has grown passionately deeper.

I thought we knew each other pretty well when we got married. We could talk openly for long periods of time about our hopes, dreams, and fears. But, as well as we knew each other when we first got married, I know that we know each other so much more today. And, I hope and pray that as the Lord gives us more years together that we’ll continue to develop a stronger and deeper love for each other.

Our love has grown in ways that I can’t even describe. But, I’ll still attempt to highlight a few of the ways our love has grown:

-We’re “on the same team.” Even if the world would attempt to get us to play against each other, we’ve decided that we need to keep our focus on Christ and on our love and commitment to each other. When the world would attempt to dis-unify and pull us apart, we need to all the more clearly live out our lives, “on the same team.”

-We’ve shared tears of joy but we’ve also shared tears of pain together. We’ve walked together through the loss of my husband’s grandpa – a man who was a great example to my husband and an inspiration to him and a precious man who also welcomed me into the family.

-We’ve had the highest highs but we’ve also had lows. My husband has been so gentle and gracious with me the many times I’ve allowed my temper to get the better of me. Just because I’m a super passionate person and I have red hair is no excuse for my crabbiness and all-too-often short fuse, and yet, my husband has graciously loved me through those times. Those times that I’d have preferred to leave the room to get away from me, he’s stayed and he still LOVES me during those messy times! I have so much to learn from his stability, even keel personality, and unconditional love.

-We’ve encouraged each other in our respective educational pursuits but we’ve also taken grad theology course together “just for fun…”

-I just feel “right” when I’m snuggling in my husband’s arms… Even when I see flaws in myself or am reminded of how much I want/need to get back in shape to my pre-pregnancy self, my husband affirms me and tells me I’m beautiful. I’m trying to believe him but at the same time I’m also trying to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit so that I’m healthy and well for our future together…

-When I look at our son, I’m blown away by how much love I have for our child and also for how much that deepens my love for my husband.

Here’s to another 75 years of marriage together! I love you, darling!!

Identity Swap

Why Identity Swap?

The title for me is multi-faceted…

The most significant identifier for me is as a child of God. As a Christian, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. The old has gone and the new continues to come.

Another element of my identity swap came in 2007 and is the fact that I’m longer single… I’m identified as a woman who has a husband – and, he has me as his wife.

And, 2010 brought an entirely new identity as well. Now, I’m a momma as well.

Thanks for joining me in this journey as I reflect upon all of these identities as well as others as I navigate the waters of life as a child of the King, a wife, a mother, a grad student, a daughter and sister, a friend, a counselor, a writer, a minister, and more.