I had a really rough, overwhelming mom day yesterday. It made me question if I was cut out for this stuff and if I was a failure….. it wasn’t because my son was being difficult. In fact, he was so great yesterday!! It had a lot more to do with the fact that instead of snuggling with him after I’d nursed him to sleep yesterday afternoon like I really wanted to do (and the cold, rainy weather outside was beckoning me to do), I needed to work on research for a grad paper so I had to put him back in his crib to finish his nap there. But, he instantly woke up and started crying/screaming….. I knew that he was sleepy and that he needed to sleep but it was just hard for him to go back to that dreamy state when he wasn’t all warm and snuggly with his momma’s arms and body with his food-source within easy reach. I kept him in his crib in the hopes that he’d succumb to his need for sleep…. I still wasn’t able to work on my homework during that time because instead of just reminding myself that he’d be ok and sleep eventually (following the advice of my pediatrician on our most recent visit that he’d be ok in his crib and that he actually needed to nap, even if he was fighting it), I kept vigil outside his door, even crying myself at a few points.
That experience got me thinking….. and, when I’m thinking, I really need to starting blogging. (Side note – I actually have MANY more posts that I haven’t actually posted yet because I’m just not sure I want to be that vulnerable – though, I’m sure it’s fine to be that vulnerable considering I haven’t shared this blog with anyone except for my husband…. And, I’m not sure he even knows the url for it --- so, it’s essentially just a secret online journal… but, I digress…)
One of the things that’s been most difficult in this life transition for me has been the overwhelming feeling that I’m not really doing anything well.
I’m a mommy but I’m also a graduate student. The pressures of assignments makes me feel like my precious son would be getting more “quality” time from me if I was working full time instead of being a stay at home mom and graduate student…. Yeah, that’s right. I at least wonder if it’s true…
If I was working full-time, most of the time I’d be able to “leave my job” at the office when it was time to come home and be able to devote my attention completely on my son, at least until it was his bedtime. He’d be getting the care he needed during the day while I was away, then when I was back home we could have tons of fun together and I wouldn’t have to be worrying about assignments that weren’t getting done.
But, I know that I’m a good mom. At least…. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m a good mom. I need to start seeing myself as my son sees me: beautiful, snuggly, and the best thing a little boy could ever hope for to calm his rumbling tummy after a full night of sleep. I’m also the most hilarious mommy in the world! --- And, more than that, I need to see myself as my heavenly father sees me: beautiful, beloved, intelligent and gifted, blessed with a husband who loves the Lord and who loves me, and entrusted with the special gift of my son.
My prayer for today: Jesus, help! I can’t…. but, I know that you can. Help me to rely on YOU for everything. Help me to focus on the things that are before me and to not get so overwhelmed that I miss the joy in the moment.
